Make your own “Shearer Says”!

Ever wanted to talk like the esteemed leader of New Zealand’s biggest leftwing party?  Of course you haven’t.  But I’m going to show you the secrets of his success anyway, because I think you’ll be surprised just how completely flaccid you can make yourself sound with just a few tiny tweaks to normal, innocent English.

This week I’ve been in [ insert location].  The people there are [hard-working/real] New Zealanders with a great sense of [fairness/justice/community/family].  But they’re [having a hard time/losing their jobs/worried] because of [insert recent National policy implementation].

This isn’t [good/just/fair/helpful].  This is [bad/stressful/unjust/unconstructive].  Labour will stand by the people of [insert location] and help them through the tough times ahead.

National was elected on a promise to [insert promise here].  Instead they’ve [insert policy here].  This isn’t [the way forward/the right thing for New Zealand/what they promised].  As the Leader of the Labour Party, I will do something to fix this [optional:  and will shortly be announcing our policy in this area].

Labour knows that [jobs/children/the environment/the economy/the heartland/our communities] are important to New Zealanders.  Under National, [insert previous] is [suffering/in decline/living below the breadline/spiralling out of control/neglected] while they [insert policy implementation].  As Leader of the Labour Party I’m committed to fixing this [optional:  and will shortly be announcing our policy in this area].

Warm regards,
David Shearer
Leader of the Labour Party

For more staggering examples of punchy, convincing prose in action, I refer you to The Standard’s reprints of Shearer’s weekly e-newsletter, sure to be driving the voters to the polls in Election ’99.  Tune in tomorrow to learn about the John Key approach to revealing when you’ve been coached on what to say!

H/T for the inspiration: Rhinocrates

About these ads

10 comments

  1. Rhinocrates

    I’m flattered. I used to do parodies, but gave up out of ennui… and now I see that the the perfect satire is precise simulation.

    • QoT

      Well, it’s not that hard with such epic-ly crap source material. And would you believe there are no “random political advertisement” generators out there?

  2. Rhinocrates

    Really? Yet there are plenty of fake postmodern essay generators, Shakespearean insult generators and so on.

    • QoT

      Exactly! I didn’t do an exhaustive Googling, it got a bit depressing after the first few results were actual, serious “here’s how to generate a political value statement” sites. *shudders

  3. Treason Seditio

    Spot on QoT! Reminds me of the number of times I’ve had to Google “Who is the leader of the Labour Party?” because he’s just so darn forgettable.

  4. Pingback: How to sound completely insincere « The Standard
  5. Pingback: How to sound completely insincere | Ideologically Impure
  6. Pingback: Ideologically Impure’s top 5 posts of 2012 | Ideologically Impure
  7. Pingback: An apology to David Shearer | Ideologically Impure
  8. Pingback: Black humour from the left « Your NZ