Tagged: lessons from the spam filter

Your search terms answered

I saw a few odd items popping up in my search terms, so as a beneficent internet goddess I thought I should answer them.  Let’s start with a tricky one:

how can i tell if a girl enjoys sex

Alas, dear question-asker, this is a mystery for the ages.  Girls, and their evolved form, women, are strange and enigmatic beings.  They do not speak as we humans speak, nor express their feelings in clear body language as we humans do, because they are entirely composed of a pink scented mist.

To truly discover if a particular female beast enjoys sex, you must take a single strand of her hair and use it as the tripwire of a log deadfall trap deep in the woods where hobgoblins are known to roam.  Once you have killed a hobgoblin of breeding age, harvest its moustache and use this as a shaving foam brush on the night of the next new moon.  If you nick yourself shaving, she may or may not enjoy sex, and you must treat her like a human being and fucking ask her, or, if you are not actually sexually involved with her, mind your own fucking business.

On to slightly easier questions:

the main function of the clitoris

Being amazing.

are you serious?


any of the mythbusters team married

Accio Wikipedia!

who is miriam grossman

A lying, anti-sex douchebag.

who thinks transexuals are full of shit?

Transphobic asshats.

Son of lessons from the spam filter

It seems to be time for another dip into the weird and wonderful world of the spam filter.  I guess as a word-communicating-type person I just can’t let go of this need to figure out how the fuck this bizarre modern marketing form is meant to work …

Impressive things from you, male.

Um, thanks?

I think this next one marks one of the truly great tragedies of 21st century internet:  the inevitable crossover of spam and negging.

The subsequent time I read a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as significantly as this one. I mean, I know it was my option to read, but I truly believed youd have something intriguing to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about a thing which you could fix in the event you werent too busy looking for attention.

I swear, it had a spammy username and even spammier URL, or I would’ve been fooled.  And once more with feeling:

I used to be able to find good info from your blog

Getting down to the bare bones:

You are the worst writer

Yeeeeeeah.  Not quite sure how that one’s meant to work.

In completely different convincing-sounding spam:

The Republican war on women’s health (no other way to put it) is cheap, tawdry, and very, very hypocritcal posturing by a party that has nothing else to fall back on now the economy is turning around and Barack Obama can respond to charges of “appeasement” or “weakness” with “go ask Osama bin Laden.

Shit, they’ve programmed a bot to speak Feminist!  (It continued by praising Rachel Maddow.)

And finally, a surprisingly thought-provoking line:

The meek shall inherit our planet, but not it’s mineral rights….

Too true, spambot.  Too true.

Today in bizarre spam

My spam folder was heating up again, so I figured I’d share the highlights of what got cleansed.

First conclusion:  spammers are getting oddly specific in their targets, this time trying to appeal to my New Zealand film industry-centred patriotism.

PS I sympathise with your desire to see more of India’s infinite riches of culture and nature… creativity and beauty… and yet can you imagine the impossibility for those of us who can only make the rarest of rare journeys to your land… and one where your filming has ranged so widely over the most amazing terrains conceivable that you have SURELY seen more than almost any other of India’s inhabitants…

The alternative is that someone, somewhere, had the epiphany that a lot of countries put pride in their film industries, so this would score big hits.  Just … maybe not on posts about abortion law reform?

Also, confused about why we’re specifically bagging India.  In spam from something alleging to be air-conditioning-related.

Second up:  the ever-hilarious “link exchange” proposal.

Would you be inquisitive about exchanging hyperlinks?

I would be very inquisitive as to who the heck falls for this these days.  You want to link to my site?  Go for it.  I’ll link to yours if I find it interesting.  But then, plenty of people still honestly think a complete stranger from [insert country here] has died childless and just wants their $MegaFortune to go to someone with the [insert your misspelled surname here] family name, so I can’t pretend to be too surprised.

Finally, a big shout-out to all the bots who decided a post plugging a blog called Fat and Slutty was the right place for weightloss tips, and all the terribly confused people who just love my blog layout yet don’t notice how the name of the theme is right there at the bottom of the page.  I’m sorry I can’t help you.

~This post brought to you by the Campaign to Make QoT Blog More Regularly, Real Life Be Damned~

Lessons from the spam filter: giveaways edition

There’s all sorts of ways to spot spam (and fortunately these days Akismet just does it for us with a pretty good level of accuracy.)

I’m a fan of the tortured, mad-libbed language a lot of spam bots use.  Whether it’s cramming the full title of a post into their comment (I guess it works for post titles like “Chocolate cake”?) or the random philosophical musing stapled to the end of a list of porn links … such things afford whole halfminutes of amuisement before I nuke them.

But really, nothing screams “I am not genuine” like this gem that popped into my spam folder today:

That is very fascinating, You’re an overly professional blogger.

Thanks, Genital Warts In Penis!  You have made my day.

Spam: it makes you think (aka I need a break from abortion posts)

Today’s life lesson from the spam filter:

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Thanks, erectile-dysfunction-drug-peddling bot.

It’s the reason the classic Internet theists vs. atheists argument will simply never end.  You can’t “prove” God doesn’t exist.  You can probably establish that it’s highly unlikely, but people who have faith aren’t much swayed by “but consider how IMPROBABLE the existence of God would be!”  Heck, it only encourages some of them.

The flip side was summed up rather expertly by Douglas Adams:

“I refuse to prove that I exist,” says God, “for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.”

“But,” says Man, “the Babel fish is a dead giveaway isn’t it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves that You exist, and so therefore, by Your own arguments, You don’t. Q.E.D.”

“Oh dear,” says God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

“Oh, that was easy,” says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.

But this is the Internet.  It wouldn’t be the same without the pointless screaming matches.*


*Feel free to read into this what you will.