Tagged: chuckles

Lessons from the spam filter: giveaways edition

There’s all sorts of ways to spot spam (and fortunately these days Akismet just does it for us with a pretty good level of accuracy.)

I’m a fan of the tortured, mad-libbed language a lot of spam bots use.  Whether it’s cramming the full title of a post into their comment (I guess it works for post titles like “Chocolate cake”?) or the random philosophical musing stapled to the end of a list of porn links … such things afford whole halfminutes of amuisement before I nuke them.

But really, nothing screams “I am not genuine” like this gem that popped into my spam folder today:

That is very fascinating, You’re an overly professional blogger.

Thanks, Genital Warts In Penis!  You have made my day.

Wish fulfilment: negging edition

I’m trying to get myself blogging more regularly again- does it show?  So expect a few more not-really-posts like this one, which chiefly exists to plug an xkcd comic!

Gods forbid I admit that occasionally my critics have a tiny, weeny little stub of a point (gosh I’m subtle) but sometimes things can all seem a bit negative and angry-making in the QoT ‘verse … mainly I blame that on having a decent level of awareness of the bullshit around us, and succumbing to mainstream media too often.  Anyway, the upshot is it’s good to laugh.

And it’s good, even in 2d comic form, to see douchebags get their comeuppance for once.

The joys of comment moderation and the misconception of free speech

Dear friends,

My blog is currently experiencing a highly flattering influx of LOL GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN comments, which I’m sure are nothing to do with a commenter on this post running away to Facebook to whinge about Being Silenced By Nasty Feminists.*

As such, comments are being moderated until the petty wankstains fuck off.  Carry on!

ETA: Comment policy updated.  Suck it and see what your prize will be.

~

*As stated in that post, of course I don’t give a shit what people publish, or don’t publish, on their Facebook pages; but if you’re going to try and summon an army of support, at least tell them to use creative pseudonyms that can’t be immediately traced back to you, as the impact of a half-dozen critical comments is somewhat lessened when they’re all obviously your mates.

Sorry to disappoint

It has been a very long day, so just a quick note to keep my average posting rate up:

I am terribly sorry to everyone who stumbles on this blog following an innocuous Google search for horse-related bestiality porn.  It’s all my fault for using hilarious vulgarity in this post on ALAC being a bunch of rape-excusing slut-shaming asshats.

There’s probably some fascinating insight to be had in the apparent obsession you all have with women shagging traditionally hyper-masculinised beasts of burden, but damned if I can be bothered delving into that shit right now.

~Fame~

Gosh, people, why did none of you tell me I got name-dropped by Deborah “questioning my made-up statistics is just like being gang raped” Coddington in another fine Granny Herald-hosted whinge about fatties ruining everything?

It’s full-on Martyr Time in Coddingtonland, who laments that, last time she casually threw around Holocaust comparisons and assessed people’s medical statuses with the power of psychic bigotry,

the reaction was extreme

For which evidence she readily points to, um, a single comment made on a mean post I wrote about her.

I’d love to flatter myself that I really am some kind of Big Name in the Kiwiblogosphere, but it’s a weeknight and I’m out of gin.  So new rule:  if you have to cite a no-name one-time commenter saying mean things about you on a blog almost no one outside of Australasian feminist/leftie bloggers has heard about … you’re probably not that oppressed, Deborah.

Still, if the current run of abortion posts are getting you down and you want some fatphobic lols, read her full post for gems like

I don’t see many skinny women on television pleading for Government funding to receive treatment.

from the woman who has somewhat successfully passed herself off as a “journalist” while pulling racist numbers out of thin air;

That’s kind-hearted, but if I’m concerned about friends getting too fat, am I allowed to tell them, “You don’t need that scone”, or, “Don’t eat that pie”?

it’s almost inspiring watching her try to score a bingo in a single rhetorical whine.

And because she just can’t resist (much like a fattie presented with a bowl of icing):

Of course I can’t. I would be accused of being the food Nazi.

Oh, Deborah.  I would ask you to never change, but I really don’t need to.

Cadbury: doing their best to make my kingsized bar of Whitaker’s Milk Madagascar EVEN TASTIER

Oh Cadbury.

Palm oil.  Smaller bars.  Takeover by Kraft.  Moving production off-shore.  Rumours of closing the Dunedin factory (refuted, but another wound, nevertheless).  Constant, constant thrashings at the hands of the very clever, very smug marketing department at Whitakers.

Something had to be done.

Chocolovers.co.nz was, in fact, not that something.

Because nothing screams “Actually, we don’t give a shit about your Kiwi brand loyalty” like setting up your “chat” page so that your painful, awkward PR-wank replies stack one on top of the other in a pink-and-blue striped monument to your insincerity.

we’ve invested $69 million into the factory to safeguard its future and secure the 500+ Kiwi jobs.

largest private employer in Dunedin

Dunedin still makes the chocolate ‘crumb’ – the base ingredient of our chocolate blocks using fresh NZ milk,

There’s a drinking game in there for the sufficiently desperate.

Even the positive comments don’t warrant a genuine human response:

Thanks for your comments. Glad to hear you enjoy our marshmallow products. [To Floss77]

And don’t go thinking you’re even special enough to warrant your own PR-wank responses, New Zealanders:

Hi Heather,
Sorry to hear that, we hope you’ll try our Fairtrade Certified Cadbury Dairy Milk – hitting shelves very soon. [to Heather Parsons, choclovers.co.nz]

Hi Crystal,
The caramel filling is now more like the caramel inside our Caramello blocks. We’ve had to make this change due to equipment upgrades we’ve had to make. Sorry to hear you’re disappointed by this, but maybe you’ll enjoy our Fairtrade Cadbury Dairy Milk – hitting shelves now. [to Crystal, choclovers.com.au]

Hi Peter,
The caramel in our Easter eggs now tastes more like the caramel in our Caramello blocks, which are dearly loved. We’re sorry to hear you no longer like the Caramello Easter eggs, but hope you’ll enjoy our Fairtrade certified Cadbury Dairy Milk hitting shelves very soon. [to Peter Cooper, choclovers.co.nz]

My particular favourite is that line, “which are dearly loved”.  Yeah, screw you, Peter!  Plenty of people like the caramel in Caramello bars, get over yourself, YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER.

And the whinging about saving jobs.  Guess what, Cadbury – you don’t get cookies for not being completely callous capitalist schweinhunds.  Especially when you’re keeping the Dunedin factory open partly by shifting Roses’ production there … thus fucking with yet another product’s taste.  Well played.

Current at the head of the pack on irony:

Hi Amy,
Emailing cadbury.co.nz will also be a great place to give us feedback, but this site is designed to answer people’s questions publicly so 5 people with the same question can all read the one answer. Another way to contact us is via the consumer services toll free number: 0800 223 2879. We’re sorry to hear you’re so disappointed. Maybe some of our new Fairtrade certified Cadbury Dairy Milk will impress you?

Or you could have just put up a single page with one comment saying “save Kiwi jobs, largest confectionery company in New Zealand, creme eggs = UK Moro = Australia Roses = NZ, fairtrade honest, chocolate crumb good! Thank you for your opinion, our compubots thank you for your input.”  But I guess someone in the office felt like hitting Ctrl + V for a whole day.

But enough saddened head-shaking.  I will donate $20 [because I am cheap] to the charity of choice of anyone who can get a negative comment up on choclovers.co.nz and not receive a repetitive or obviously-scripted reply.

Go read someone else!

My lack of actual post-writing enthusiasm continues apace.  However, I can at least point you in the direction of good stuff!

National keep arguing that the amount of land they want to mine in our conservation estate is “comparative to a hole the size of a postcard in Eden Park”.

First hat-tip to felix over at The Standard, for amazing persistence in reminding people, via the modern medium of all-caps, that WE SHOULDN’T MINE THERE AT ALL.  BECAUSE THE REASON IT’S IN SCHEDULE 4 IS TO STOP PEOPLE MINING IN IT.

But a post that made me snort in a horribly unladylike fashion is up at Imperator Fish:

“I was shocked to find a rectangular hole in the middle of the pitch, “said Mr Perham. “I don’t know how it got there or who did this. This is an act of mindless vandalism.”