Sex workers also never send me biased surveys, unlike the PM
… but then I guess Prime Minister-ing isn’t a business, so Auckland Council won’t be clutching their pearls over it.
Like many people, I today received a wonderfully personal piece of mail from my local Nat, with a lovely little survey because the National Party are very, very interested in my views, specifically my views as a likely mortgage-holder, given how they spin the Promised Land of Returntosurplus:
Operating in surplus helps keep mortgage rates lower for longer.
Seriously, that’s the first sentence after the heading “Getting back to surplus.” I guess the old lines about Spending Within Our Means and Running A Country Like A Household were getting old and tired so John Key traded them in for a younger, peppier trophy slogan.
Anyway, the fun bit is obviously the survey. Clearly in consultation with Larry Baldock Serious Survey Creators they’ve carefully tailored the questions and options given to ensure a fair, unambiguous result. Like when they ask you to “tick the three issues that are important to you” – because you obviously can’t be focusing on more than three things at a time, peasant – and your options include:
Selling minority shares in four energy SOES and Air New Zealand
Raising achievement and accountability in schools
and my personal favourite
Rolling out ultra-fast broadband and investing in roads and rail
Oh, so sorry, you want kids to do better at school but don’t give a fuck about scaremongering Teacher Unions Eat Babies myths? Too bad! You’re maybe okay with a little partial energy privatisation – I mean, Labour is, for fuck’s sake – but you really don’t want to risk a return to ridiculous airfares? Too bad!
And above all, don’t you fucking dare think that we could maybe look at some basic IT infrastructure without building ROADS. MORE ROADS FOR STEVE JOYCE! ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOADS andalsosomerail.
You’re then asked about the most important local issue to you – presumably to justify slapping Local Nat MP’s face on the front – and finally, which party you always, or usually, support. Where your choices include all political parties with at least one MP in Parliament … except Mana.
I guess they just ran out of space.
Ideologically Impure 
“tick the three issues that are important to you”
WTF does that even mean in the context of those examples? If I’m definitely opposed to selling power companies I’ll tick that first one, right?
And if I’m definitely in favour, I’ll tick… err… the same… one…? So wtf does that tell them?
Dunno, but it tells me this is an exercise in disseminating information, not gathering it.
It means whatever they want it to mean, of course! There’s glory for you.