1. Start with a Monty Python reference to show you’re down with the kids.
2. Confuse “key messages” with “repeating one basic, boring, unconvincing phrase verbatim every few sentences”.
3. Hype up how people in your industry are working fewer hours, earning more money, envied the world over, and whinge a little about how you don’t get the respect you deserve from Kiwis, those bastards.
4. Crack an awful James Cameron-related pun at the end.
5. Forget that the entire purpose of your organisation is to convince the rest of the country that you work harder than everyone else for a pittance out of the goodness of your own hearts and that’s why we should bail out your members when drought mysteriously occurs every year, oh and also feel honoured to pay $15 for a block of cheese.
You couldn’t ask for better wank.