Let us rejoice, friends, for tonight, after a long dalliance, that complete cocktease Kate Middleton becomes unequivocally public property.
She’s lead us a merry chase, occasionally succumbing to paparazzi shots and always keeping us interested with sly little suggestions that maybe she wasn’t going to sacrifice 90% of her autonomy on the altar of hereditary monarchy just for the sake of marrying the guy she loves.
Oh, how we will always look back in fondness on the way she secured our affections with her naughty little case of reticence, even as we turned what was almost certainly her genuine concerns about how it usually goes down for a girl marrying The Heir To The Throne into a tawdry cliche about Waity Katie and her obvious desperate ovarian-driven need to Capture A Man.
But after tonight, the game is over, peeps.
As citizens of the Empire she will oneday theoretically co-rule, from tomorrow until the end of time we will own Kate Middleton. All our hopes and dreams can be pinned on her, all our worries and concerns can be laid at her door, the fate of all Western society will now be in her hands. We will no longer be limited to the few public occasions she’s attended in the past; we can demand access to her thoughts and dreams and wardrobe and menstrual cycle every single day for the rest of her life.
I mean … of course it’s terrible what happened to Diana, but that’s all in the past and we’ve totally learnt our lessons about how our incessant clamouring for personal details of the royal family can literally be fatal. But this is different, because, um, well, it’s a public event, and she’s a public figure now, and what do they expect?
Shut up! I’m not contributing to a societal expectation that the public have a right to know everything tabloid editors deem fit to print about Kate Middleton’s life! I just like royal weddings! And royal births! And constant reviews of what the royals are wearing and eating* and where they’re going and whether toe-sucking is involved!
SHE’S OUR PROPERTY NOW AND WE HAVE RIGHTS, DAMMIT.
For the more visually-inclined, I think South Park put it fucking brilliantly.
*And when they’re not eating which of course has nothing to do with cultural expectations of brides being thin.