Ours now. All ours: royal wedding edition

Let us rejoice, friends, for tonight, after a long dalliance, that complete cocktease Kate Middleton becomes unequivocally public property.

She’s lead us a merry chase, occasionally succumbing to paparazzi shots and always keeping us interested with sly little suggestions that maybe she wasn’t going to sacrifice 90% of her autonomy on the altar of hereditary monarchy just for the sake of marrying the guy she loves.

Oh, how we will always look back in fondness on the way she secured our affections with her naughty little case of reticence, even as we turned what was almost certainly her genuine concerns about how it usually goes down for a girl marrying The Heir To The Throne into a tawdry cliche about Waity Katie and her obvious desperate ovarian-driven need to Capture A Man.

But after tonight, the game is over, peeps.

As citizens of the Empire she will oneday theoretically co-rule, from tomorrow until the end of time we will own Kate Middleton. All our hopes and dreams can be pinned on her, all our worries and concerns can be laid at her door, the fate of all Western society will now be in her hands. We will no longer be limited to the few public occasions she’s attended in the past; we can demand access to her thoughts and dreams and wardrobe and menstrual cycle every single day for the rest of her life.

I mean … of course it’s terrible what happened to Diana, but that’s all in the past and we’ve totally learnt our lessons about how our incessant clamouring for personal details of the royal family can literally be fatal. But this is different, because, um, well, it’s a public event, and she’s a public figure now, and what do they expect?

Shut up!  I’m not contributing to a societal expectation that the public have a right to know everything tabloid editors deem fit to print about Kate Middleton’s life! I just like royal weddings! And royal births! And constant reviews of what the royals are wearing and eating* and where they’re going and whether toe-sucking is involved!

SHE’S OUR PROPERTY NOW AND WE HAVE RIGHTS, DAMMIT.

For the more visually-inclined, I think South Park put it fucking brilliantly.

~

*And when they’re not eating which of course has nothing to do with cultural expectations of brides being thin.

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15 comments

    • QoT

      She’s not allowed preferences, obviously. If we ask her what she wants to be called it’ll just set up a sense of entitlement and she’ll start thinking she gets to make choices.

      Wow, that post. OH HI WE’RE ALL AMERICAN WE’RE JUST GOING TO LOOK DOWN ON YOU STUPID PEOPLE WHY THE FUSS ANYWAY IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL.

      Because the only reason anyone could be interested in the wedding is because they’re Stupid Colonial Sheeple with their stupid commemorative fridges! Constitutional implications and critiquing the societal expectations of royalism or capitalist exploitation of same, how does it work?

      • Amanda

        I actually find it astounding she really took to task (and banned) some commenters for bringing up the “hey, we’re Brits and we’d like to point out it’s a nuanced issue”. I respect that she’s fiercly protective of her rules, but…ouch.

      • Octavia Spitifire

        Woooooow that post. Just wow. Orm was shutting it down until the delicate mod fee-fees got in the way. Jesus fuck that was offensive. And it’s not like there’s a giant history of USAian cultural and governmental condescending/entitled attitudes toward foreign events or anything.

        So Melissa (and the other mods) have progressed from fauxpologies to completely unwilling to even see they could be wrong. You keep fighting the good fight people.

        • notafeminist

          She doesn’t seem to realise that it’s privilege that she’s able to simply post a (fucking rude) message about it on a blog and that’s as much as it bothers her. Other people, ie Londoners, have had to have their entire fucking city shut down to accommodate the wedding. Some people can’t just ignore the wedding the way she can. This is one situation where the strict moderation policies mean that Melissa will never have to face up to her privilege and ignorance in this particular case.

        • Katherine

          So tired of americans on the internet pretending the rest of the world doesn’t exist. I mean sure, shakesville is pretty clear on the fact that it’s US-based, but other, ‘international’ sites often do the same thing!

  1. Robot Pie

    If Melissa REALLY didn’t care about the wedding,then she wouldn’t have mentioned it. Instead, she felt like she publicly had to show she didn’t give a shit.

    Hm.

    • QoT

      It’s a little bit OH HEY LOOK HOW MUCH I DON’T CARE. Which I’m a little bit hypocritical for hassling, since I spent the evening pettily livetweeting wrestling to show how much I didn’t care. But at least I didn’t play the “oh, are you plebs doing something? Too high-minded to notice, sorry” game.

      • Octavia Spitifire

        Completely different context. She’s not an expat, she’s an American who is drawing on existing entitled American international narratives and thinks it’s edgy to (loudly) ‘not care’ about it all. All being both the wedding and people caring about the wedding for whatever reason (like being affected by UK economic policy, pah). Well she says she cares about the latter but still manages to shut it down.

        Whereas the monarchy actually has a not so nice recent and past history with New Zealand (and Australia) and still will into the foreseeable future. It IS our country’s business, directly. *cough Treaty of Waitangi cough*

  2. Pingback: Is it still 1981? Or maybe 1881. « Godard’s Letterboxes
    • QoT

      Nope, even those of us who don’t want to have any part of them will in fact be basically forced to still learn every detail of their lives.

  3. George D

    Not only do we get Kate, but in this special bonus edition, the media has decided that we get her sister too!

    • QoT

      It was a buy-one-get-one-free deal, of course. And since Kate seems fairly straitlaced and unlikely to run of with an Arab I guess they’re hoping for higher-quality scandal from the in-laws.