Even hotter swimwear for LITERALLY every body!
Stuff’s awesome, non-judgemental, completely empowering and not at all consumerism-pushing body-policing article on swimsuits has inspired me, dear readers, to impart my own equally-qualified opinions on the matter!
Tankinis
These singlet-style tops are perfect for the more casual look or the lazier bather who can’t be bothered actually getting changed when they get to the beach – and as a bonus, they hide your precious tickly-belly from the evil daystar!
Ruched one-pieces
The solution for all those women who worry that they don’t have enough ruched one-pieces in their live.
Triangle bikinis / side-tie bottoms
Triangle bikinis are triangle-shaped which means they’re great for those of us with dodecahedronal figures.
Side-tie bikinis are unfortunately tarred by generations of douchebags making “durr easy access” comments, but fuck those wankers, tie a double bow and give patriarchy the finger while wearing bows.
Prints or colour-blocking?
This is an area where lots of women make mistakes. The trick is to stick your tongue out one side of your mouth while looking in a mirror and popping one hip forward and thinking, “Do I prefer prints or colour-blocking?” When you get an answer, choose that one.
What colours go with what bodies/skin tones?
Bright colours look great on people who want to wear bright colours. Dark colours look great on people who like to wear dark colours.
I know it’s a really hard time of year, sistren, what with every fucking patriarchy-mag screaming about Getting Your Beach Body For Summer! AND the forthcoming Lose Weight Before/During/After Christmas panic,* but just follow my advice, eat and exercise according to your ability and preference, and you will totally be the most self-confident sheila on the beach this summer. Who gives a fuck about anything else?
~
*The only reason I hate having a summer Christmas.
Ideologically Impure 
QoT, I was totally fuming about this and debating whether or not to blog. Thank you for taking the piss of it so well!
Additionally, I like how they say “naughty muffin top”, like an area of your body could have the characteristic of an animate being. And in the photo captions there is a clear line drawn between bad curves (“flabby belly”) and other areas where the goal is to create the illusion of curvaceousness. Why don’t they just cut right to the chase: “fat on the breast area=good, fat just about anywhere else=vomit inducingly gross”
No worries, steph, I just felt after the shitstorm of awareness-fail we needed some perking up – unlike any parts of our bodies which are just as damn perky as they care to be, already.
Have I told you today that you fucking rock?
You have now! 😛
I am wondering if they have ones for those of us with twisted sternums. nope didn’t think so.
They have a hard enough time acknowledging even vaguely non-beauty-standard-conforming currently-able-bodied bodies. 😦
On the other hand I have a built-in fruit bowl. FTW!
ESPECIALLY win given the insane mutant strawberries that are abounding this season.
I must have missed this somehow. So I’ll just say now – this is awesomely awesome.
I find that when I’m buying swimsuits I look for ones that I fit in. I buy one that’s my size and is in a colour I like. I usually pick the one I think is pretty. That is all.
Clearly you are doing it wrong! It’s not about clothes you like, it’s about clothes that hide the body you hate!