Even hotter swimwear for LITERALLY every body!

Stuff’s awesome, non-judgemental, completely empowering and not at all consumerism-pushing body-policing article on swimsuits has inspired me, dear readers, to impart my own equally-qualified opinions on the matter!

Tankinis

These singlet-style tops are perfect for the more casual look or the lazier bather who can’t be bothered actually getting changed when they get to the beach – and as a bonus, they hide your precious tickly-belly from the evil daystar!

Ruched one-pieces

The solution for all those women who worry that they don’t have enough ruched one-pieces in their live.

Triangle bikinis / side-tie bottoms

Triangle bikinis are triangle-shaped which means they’re great for those of us with dodecahedronal figures.

Side-tie bikinis are unfortunately tarred by generations of douchebags making “durr easy access” comments, but fuck those wankers, tie a double bow and give patriarchy the finger while wearing bows.

Prints or colour-blocking?

This is an area where lots of women make mistakes.  The trick is to stick your tongue out one side of your mouth while looking in a mirror and popping one hip forward and thinking, “Do I prefer prints or colour-blocking?”  When you get an answer, choose that one.

What colours go with what bodies/skin tones?

Bright colours look great on people who want to wear bright colours.  Dark colours look great on people who like to wear dark colours.

I know it’s a really hard time of year, sistren, what with every fucking patriarchy-mag screaming about Getting Your Beach Body For Summer! AND the forthcoming Lose Weight Before/During/After Christmas panic,* but just follow my advice, eat and exercise according to your ability and preference, and you will totally be the most self-confident sheila on the beach this summer.  Who gives  a fuck about anything else?

~

*The only reason I hate having a summer Christmas.

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10 comments

  1. steph

    QoT, I was totally fuming about this and debating whether or not to blog. Thank you for taking the piss of it so well!

    Additionally, I like how they say “naughty muffin top”, like an area of your body could have the characteristic of an animate being. And in the photo captions there is a clear line drawn between bad curves (“flabby belly”) and other areas where the goal is to create the illusion of curvaceousness. Why don’t they just cut right to the chase: “fat on the breast area=good, fat just about anywhere else=vomit inducingly gross”

    • QoT

      No worries, steph, I just felt after the shitstorm of awareness-fail we needed some perking up – unlike any parts of our bodies which are just as damn perky as they care to be, already.

  2. Boganette

    I must have missed this somehow. So I’ll just say now – this is awesomely awesome.

    I find that when I’m buying swimsuits I look for ones that I fit in. I buy one that’s my size and is in a colour I like. I usually pick the one I think is pretty. That is all.

    • QoT

      Clearly you are doing it wrong! It’s not about clothes you like, it’s about clothes that hide the body you hate!