Stuff’s awesome, non-judgemental, completely empowering and not at all consumerism-pushing body-policing article on swimsuits has inspired me, dear readers, to impart my own equally-qualified opinions on the matter!
These singlet-style tops are perfect for the more casual look or the lazier bather who can’t be bothered actually getting changed when they get to the beach – and as a bonus, they hide your precious tickly-belly from the evil daystar!
The solution for all those women who worry that they don’t have enough ruched one-pieces in their live.
Triangle bikinis / side-tie bottoms
Triangle bikinis are triangle-shaped which means they’re great for those of us with dodecahedronal figures.
Side-tie bikinis are unfortunately tarred by generations of douchebags making “durr easy access” comments, but fuck those wankers, tie a double bow and give patriarchy the finger while wearing bows.
Prints or colour-blocking?
This is an area where lots of women make mistakes. The trick is to stick your tongue out one side of your mouth while looking in a mirror and popping one hip forward and thinking, “Do I prefer prints or colour-blocking?” When you get an answer, choose that one.
What colours go with what bodies/skin tones?
Bright colours look great on people who want to wear bright colours. Dark colours look great on people who like to wear dark colours.
I know it’s a really hard time of year, sistren, what with every fucking patriarchy-mag screaming about Getting Your Beach Body For Summer! AND the forthcoming Lose Weight Before/During/After Christmas panic,* but just follow my advice, eat and exercise according to your ability and preference, and you will totally be the most self-confident sheila on the beach this summer. Who gives a fuck about anything else?
*The only reason I hate having a summer Christmas.