Cadbury: doing their best to make my kingsized bar of Whitaker’s Milk Madagascar EVEN TASTIER

Oh Cadbury.

Palm oil.  Smaller bars.  Takeover by Kraft.  Moving production off-shore.  Rumours of closing the Dunedin factory (refuted, but another wound, nevertheless).  Constant, constant thrashings at the hands of the very clever, very smug marketing department at Whitakers.

Something had to be done.

Chocolovers.co.nz was, in fact, not that something.

Because nothing screams “Actually, we don’t give a shit about your Kiwi brand loyalty” like setting up your “chat” page so that your painful, awkward PR-wank replies stack one on top of the other in a pink-and-blue striped monument to your insincerity.

we’ve invested $69 million into the factory to safeguard its future and secure the 500+ Kiwi jobs.

largest private employer in Dunedin

Dunedin still makes the chocolate ‘crumb’ – the base ingredient of our chocolate blocks using fresh NZ milk,

There’s a drinking game in there for the sufficiently desperate.

Even the positive comments don’t warrant a genuine human response:

Thanks for your comments. Glad to hear you enjoy our marshmallow products. [To Floss77]

And don’t go thinking you’re even special enough to warrant your own PR-wank responses, New Zealanders:

Hi Heather,
Sorry to hear that, we hope you’ll try our Fairtrade Certified Cadbury Dairy Milk – hitting shelves very soon. [to Heather Parsons, choclovers.co.nz]

Hi Crystal,
The caramel filling is now more like the caramel inside our Caramello blocks. We’ve had to make this change due to equipment upgrades we’ve had to make. Sorry to hear you’re disappointed by this, but maybe you’ll enjoy our Fairtrade Cadbury Dairy Milk – hitting shelves now. [to Crystal, choclovers.com.au]

Hi Peter,
The caramel in our Easter eggs now tastes more like the caramel in our Caramello blocks, which are dearly loved. We’re sorry to hear you no longer like the Caramello Easter eggs, but hope you’ll enjoy our Fairtrade certified Cadbury Dairy Milk hitting shelves very soon. [to Peter Cooper, choclovers.co.nz]

My particular favourite is that line, “which are dearly loved”.  Yeah, screw you, Peter!  Plenty of people like the caramel in Caramello bars, get over yourself, YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER.

And the whinging about saving jobs.  Guess what, Cadbury – you don’t get cookies for not being completely callous capitalist schweinhunds.  Especially when you’re keeping the Dunedin factory open partly by shifting Roses’ production there … thus fucking with yet another product’s taste.  Well played.

Current at the head of the pack on irony:

Hi Amy,
Emailing cadbury.co.nz will also be a great place to give us feedback, but this site is designed to answer people’s questions publicly so 5 people with the same question can all read the one answer. Another way to contact us is via the consumer services toll free number: 0800 223 2879. We’re sorry to hear you’re so disappointed. Maybe some of our new Fairtrade certified Cadbury Dairy Milk will impress you?

Or you could have just put up a single page with one comment saying “save Kiwi jobs, largest confectionery company in New Zealand, creme eggs = UK Moro = Australia Roses = NZ, fairtrade honest, chocolate crumb good! Thank you for your opinion, our compubots thank you for your input.”  But I guess someone in the office felt like hitting Ctrl + V for a whole day.

But enough saddened head-shaking.  I will donate $20 [because I am cheap] to the charity of choice of anyone who can get a negative comment up on choclovers.co.nz and not receive a repetitive or obviously-scripted reply.

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2 comments

  1. Carly Day

    Nice one! Love this blog.
    I’ve been a continual questioner/and long time boycotter of Cadbury since the Palm Oil debacle. Now they are FINALLY releasing their Palm Oil free line, but I’ve been questioning on choclovers.co.nz about why all their easter eggs contain palm oil. Funnily enough, my comments are still awaiting “moderation” even though all the more positive comments made after mine have been made public.