Why chicks dig “jerks”

George Sodini walked into a fitness club and killed three women, injured nine, and then took his own life.

He put this down to women not being attracted to him.

There’s a lot being written about his sense of entitlement (or rather, the exaggerated nature of a sense of entitlement hardly unique to him).  And a lot of people uncritically quoting the line from his blog about calculating exactly how many million “desirable” women there were (Lord knows he wasn’t bitter about the ugly “hoes” who weren’t putting out).  And of course, the Nice Guy (TM) phenomenon is getting a bit of attention; and this article at Salon gave me an eye-opening moment.

Because we’re taught to be polite, submissive, and generous even when men are making us uncomfortable, we automatically reach for the “nice guy, but…” out….

Guys, you are not being rejected because you are too nice. Niceness is a positive characteristic. I doubt any straight woman — even the kind with a stated preference for “bad boys” — has ever said to herself, “Hmm, I’d be really into this guy if he weren’t so compassionate, thoughtful, and respectful. If he’d just dick me around and insult me a little more, I’d want to rip his clothes off.” If you get rejected by every woman you approach, the problem could be a million different things, but I guarantee it’s not that you’re just too kind for your own good.

There’s an ancient, but pointed, joke.

Q.  What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A.  A slut is a woman who sleeps with everyone.  A bitch is a woman who sleeps with everyone except you.

Suddenly, reading the Salon article, the skies parted, angels sang in heavenly chorus, and BOOM! Epiphany.

Listen up, Nice Guys: the idea you cling to, that women only like jerks/assholes/bad boys?

Is totally valid.

When your definition of “jerk” is “guy currently fucking the woman you want to fuck“.

And if you’re the kind of guy who conceptualizes women as a binary of “do/do not want to fuck”, and perceives all other men – especially men currently in relationships with women in the first category – then guess what?

We’re probably saying “you’re a nice guy, but …” because you give off a fucking creepy vibe and we do not want to have a confrontation with your insecurity and belief that you are owed sex by the universe.

And that’s on top of the fact that as women we’ve probably been told from day 1 of our existences to be demure/polite/quiet/dignified/submissive/accepting/passive/accommodating/to not make a fuss/cause a scene/disturb other people/shriek/nag/bitch/be shrill/loud/assertive/independent/strong/autonomous.

Not that that’ll be taken into consideration when we’re sexually harassed by higher-status influential rich white men or anything.


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  2. jcuknz

    I think I read it first in Sylvia by Bryce Courtney “When you masterbate you meet the best” Pity the churches frown on the practice as it solves a lot of life’s problems.

  3. Ari

    “you’re a nice guy, but …”

    You know, despite my numerous problems with Mr. Sodini’s sense of entitlement and my agreement that he had no excuse to act like that and was probably exuding “creepy” from his pores, I really wish we lived in a world where women could feel safe rejecting people without this line.

    It would be so much easier for people to figure out how to self-improve if we lived in a world where you could actually tell people what you really meant instead of having it drummed into you from day 1 that you have to avoid being nasty at ALL COSTS please. 😦

  4. ropata

    Thank you QoT this is good feedback. Female perception is pretty uncanny. A survival trait I suppose.

    Guys need to hear hard truths sometimes, such as “the reason chicks avoid you is because you’re an asshole!” (or smelly or whatever…). At least they have something to work with. But it takes a rare friend to clarify the problem.

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